Venturing into Unknown Waters: The Booty Cleanse

Hey ladies! 💋

What a time to be alive, right?! You can literally find anything on the internet - from every type of porn to information about types and colors of poo to the best sex positions to how to hypnotize a man to love you. And everything in-between. There’s nothing you can’t find and it’s up to personal interpretation what a ‘taboo’ topic is. 

So, when a friend told me I absolutely had to do a booty cleanse, she of course told me the deets of her favorite brand and a quick google search revealed every recipe, how-to, and warning a girl could ever need. There’s still nothing quite like a good story to lighten the mood mixed with a few tips from a first-timer. So, here’s my first-time booty cleanse story in all of its glory.

I started out my day by fasting - I had a chai latte, a Starbucks tea, and a bunch of water because hydrate. I also took a few activated charcoal pills. Should I have had caffeine? I’m not entirely sure but according to the company's guidelines no dietary changes are necessary so, no one takes away my morning latte. After running a bunch of errands and *ahem* procrastinating, I decided to face my cleanse and get started. I had people waiting on my input and I couldn’t fail them now.

I read every part of the cleanse booklet and started to create the baking soda & pink salt cleanse. Super simple - just 2 teaspoons of pink salt, 1 teaspoon baking soda, and 2 liters of water. The ideal temp of the mixture is 98-101 degrees but I wizzed right past that and ended up heating my water to like 125 degrees trying to dissolve the salt. Whoops. 30 minutes later I was back in biz. 

Watching all of the videos on the ways to cleanse - their cute little pink Victoria Secret silk robes and yoga toned bodies set the scene. They flowed gracefully from one position to the next. I had high hopes that maybe, just maybe I could have an elegant healing experience with my cleanse. If these girls can look fabulous and elegant putting a tube up their ass and eliminating their waste, I could too!

Towel on the floor. Cleanse liquid ready to go. Headphones and phone - check. I was ready! So I sat on my towel for another 15 minutes reading and re-reading to be *um* totally sure I was ready and about to do everything perfectly. I popped that sucker up my booty and sat there for about 10 minutes - LIKE WOAH, I don’t even feel the cleanse. I. Am. A. Pro. Handled like a boss.

Except. I didn’t feel anything...no grumbles or rumbles of my tummy. No discomfort. No...anything? Yup, nothing was happening. Inspection of the hose and bag revealed the solution was not going anywhere. Not the best start but, hey, no big deal - I’ll just move it higher because maybe it’s not far enough off the ground. Still nothing. I started fiddling around with the tip, like what the fuck. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get any solution to come out of this stupid hose!

Several videos later, I realized the kit comes with two tips and I was attempting a two tipped booty cleanse. Not the vibe. So, logically, I removed the long tip to use the short tip, it seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time. Greased it up. Popped it in. And *pop* - right back out. Two times. Three times. That sucker had no staying power - I’ve officially labeled this tip as the backdoor virgin. After several reruns of the same how-to video, I finally figured out how to try the other tip, the non-backdoor virgin tip. Greased it up. Ready to go again. 

I stuck that sucker in, this is it - I’ve finally gotten this figured out. There was actually liquid coming out of the hose. The hose wasn’t falling out of my booty. So far, I had yet to experience the elegant flow of the VS booty cleanse models but I was finally ready to make some real progress. Woosh...shot like a rocket up my booty. We had lift off! That whole ‘if you get it to the right temperature you might not even feel the water as it enters your booty’ line is complete bullshit, FYI. My booty clenched. My stomach gurgled. It felt like the strangest thing ever. And then, it happened.

A slow steady stream of liquid. Weird, but to be expected. I read in my hours of procrastination research that if your booty muscles are a little weak you might have a little bit of leakage. No big deal. Weak booty wasn’t something I wanted to claim but I was adjusting and going with the flow at this point, ego be damned. The booklet said booty up in the air like you just don’t care if you found out your booty muscles weren’t up to the task - so I went booty up. 

And then, it really happened. Like the Niagra Falls of the booty cleanse. No stopping. No slowing down. A gushing downpour. My mind flashed back to the last time I had an embarrassing, uncontrollable leakage incident. Spending the night at a friends house, terrified of going outside to use the potty in the dark (who TF designs a house with an outdoor bathroom in the middle of no-wheres-ville!), and little me losing my dignity on the carpet.

 I had planned. I had prepared. I had watched the videos! What about the beautifully, slender models flowing from one position to the next in elegance?! This was more like a confused beached whale situation. I was at least laughing...because what else do you do as you lose your cleanse all over the bathroom floor.

But, why was this even happening. I couldn’t accept weak booty as the answer. I was unwilling to believe that my lack of a virginal booty could ruin my ability to cleanse. I had clicked the cleanse to the off position as soon as things started to go haywire. As I removed my booty cleanse tube - solution went everywhere, apparently you have to get aggressive with the off button or it thinks you might not be serious. I had officially turned my bathroom into a water park. My poor booty was flooded. Overflowing. Drowning. And the bathroom was following suit.

At this point, half of my cleanse had graced the floor. But, I’m no quitter. I will cleanse, no matter what it takes. Now this was a matter of stubbornness, I will not be beat by a cleanse. With the bag mostly empty, I got my coconut oil and greased it up. Ready. It could not possibly get any worse than a booty-created water park. 

And then, in some miracle of grace and elegance, I cleansed. On my side, like the beautiful, slender models of the videos, I experienced the beauty and then the release. It was like the cleanse gods were testing me, challenging how devoted I was to the practice of the cleanse. This was my rite of passage. I am now an official booty cleanser expert. And if you create a waterpark out of your booty cleanse, welcome to this elite and fabulous club reserved for only the most experienced booty cleanse warriors.

Write a comment to tell me your funniest booty cleanse stories!