On the Outside Looking In: July 4th

Happy 4th ladies!! 💋

I’m sitting down at my computer, realizing it’s time for a blog post, and thinking about all the topics I could share. I imagine there’s many women out there blogging about their amazingly creative ideas for 4th festivities. For a second I thought about it, and then realized - I don’t have any ideas. Unique, creative ideas for eventful or exciting holidays aren’t my forte haha. 

Honestly, in my entire life I’ve only had 2 eventful July 4th’s. Each was executed by other people and I just tagged along to enjoy the company, the booze, and the fireworks. I remember as a little girl watching and listening to the fireworks out of my bedroom window - craning my neck to see them off in the distance knowing that our neighbors were barbequing and spending time with family while I would get in trouble for trying to see the fireworks. Maybe that’s why days like this go by and I start to feel less energetic than usual. More left behind and lonely. I hear some distant fireworks and it reminds me of the days where I wasn’t included in anything. Sitting alone in my bedroom in a space of familiar loneliness, fantasizing about what the other kids at school were doing to enjoy the day as the explosions served as a reminder that I was an outsider.

I didn’t originally plan to come on here and talk about my childhood or the state of my mind. I think it’s so interesting what happens when you let words flow onto the page and they take on a mind of their own. 

I start to wonder how many other people out there don’t have wonderful or typical holidays. Who don’t get invited to barbecues or to spend time on the lake or to watch the fireworks. I always used to feel extreme stress at the thought of spending a holiday alone, no one to invite me to spend time with them or to think of me when they did their planning.

When I was younger, I used to think I was going to be the mom that baked a cake while my kids were outside playing - my kids playing with neighbor kids; the fun mom who hosted the best parties that everyone wanted to attend. As I got older, I’d dream about hosting amazing parties and holidays that people love to get invited to. But, the reality hasn’t really panned out that way.

I can throw an incredible party. My wedding I designed down to every last detail was absolutely perfect. The best part of the whole marriage. Haha. Someday I imagine myself throwing big parties in the spirit of women’s empowerment. 

But for right now - I’m alone on the 4th. And the real truth is, I don’t have the mental space to dedicate to elaborate parties so I’m working on the 4th - writing blog posts and planning for the week ahead even though I had envisioned taking the day off and doing something really fun.

I’m thinking that I can’t be alone in my loneliness. In the past, I’d be embarrassed by my situation, feeling that it made me less interesting or that something was wrong with me. Maybe I don’t get invited to spend time with friends because they don’t like me? Maybe I’m a party-pooper. Maybe I don’t cross people’s minds and they don’t think of me at all. 

Or maybe there’s a lesson in making lemonade whiskey cocktails out of these lemons.

What if I could appreciate these moments as a way to separate my current situation for my past? To heal and sever that connection between being alone on a holiday and feeling isolated from others against my will. 

After all, I find comfort in this space of being alone. Of having the space to create my day exactly how I want to. And maybe that longinging to be invited someplace can be healed in other ways. Something to be noticed and observed rather than allowing it to consume me. This is a weird year and everything is flipped around. Have I really tried to make the most of the day or have I just sat here, like I did as a child, wishing things were different?

I wonder how many people share my feelings. How many other beautiful ladies are out there feeling alone today. How many of us will hear the fireworks from inside of our house and feel that pang of isolation. To go for a drive just to drive by the parks shooting off fireworks so you can see them, pretending your heading somewhere when really you’re just trying to feel a part of something. On the outside looking in.

Someday, I’ll create events for ladies to attend so they don’t have to feel this way on holidays. But for now, just know you're not alone; you don’t have to feel lonely. You're not the only one who feels like she’s on the outside looking in.

In the meantime, I think I am going to get off my butt and take myself on a hike. Or maybe I’ll do some research to find some place to go for a picnic. Instead of feeling alone - let’s take advantage of this opportunity to choose how our day goes rather than having other people dictate that for us. To flip the script and, rather than wonder why it has to be this way right now, wonder how we can make the most of it. 

If you’re feeling extra lonely - you can always reach out to me just to talk. I’m happy to listen to your story and provide you with some loving comfort and somebody to talk to if you feel alone.