I lied...and Now I'm Coming Clean; Finding Comfort in Shame

Hello gorgeous ladies!

I am here today to chat with you about comfort. I feel the need to expose myself for something that I have been lying about. Or maybe not lying...maybe the right word is deceptive.

I have a vision for myself for the future. A vision I hold onto dearly, that motivates me each day and helps me to keep pushing myself to be better and do better. However, that’s not the real me, not yet. She’s my future self, the woman guiding me towards my goals and dreams. And I thank her everyday for reminding me of where I desire to go in life. 

But, the truth is, I am not her yet. As much as I love her and I long to step into her Louboutin heels and walk forward, I have more work/growth/progress to get me to that state of alignment.

The truth is...I wake up each day at noon right now. I go to sleep at 3 or 4 or 5 am. I snuggle into bed with my awesome boyfriend at midnight and we watch our favorite shows for a few hours before actually turning out the lights. Then, as i drift off to sleep, I think about everything for a while…

I think about how I feel guilty about not going to bed sooner like I ‘should’
I think about how bad TV in the bedroom is and how I ‘should’ know better and do better
I think about how other women go to bed at 2 am and get up at 9 or 10 am and wonder why I can’t be like them
I think about how I ‘should’ do yoga every single day and berate myself that I don’t
I think about how I ‘should’ be using this time to come up with endlessly creative ideas for my business and execute my dreams into reality and I beat myself up about how I’m losing steam when it comes time to execute
I think about how much I love to cook and beat myself up when I order out because I’m tired
I think about how I could possibly be tired when I don’t leave the house
I think about how I never used to watch TV vs how much I watch now and I think about how that must mean I don’t have ambition
I think about how much I wish to have accomplished in my business vs how much I’ve actually accomplished and I cry sometimes
I think about what I desire my life to be like vs what it is and I cry about that too sometimes
I think about how much I want to feel full of life and vibrant energy vs my actual state of being and I cry about that too sometimes
I think about how I desire to create something magical for women and how I’ve fallen short
I think about the way I desire myself to be, the way I present myself, the way I share my stories and my life and I feel guilt for the times when I don’t live up to my own expectations
I think about how much I desire to be the picture of health so I post my healthy vegan bread in my stories but then don’t share when I eat cookies because I just can’t help it
I think about taking my puppy for a walk but I actually feel a fear of going outside so I don’t
I think about how that fear is not new and how it used to control my life...how far I’ve come since then...and how this quarantine has me sliding back down that hill at lightning speed

I think for hours...and then I dream about my fears and I wake up exhausted. Most days I don’t get on social media because it’s exhausting and I don’t write blog posts because writing doesn’t bring me joy. The desires of my heart aren’t aligned with my body and I struggle most with feeling lost - I want so badly to care for my soul because I know she’s struggling. The critic in my mind is so loud, pointing out all of my mistakes and making me feel like a fraud, a failure.

But Brene Brown says that shame exposed loses its power.

So, I’m exposing my shame. Exposing my truth. Exposing what my life looks like behind closed doors. I am not totally in alignment with everything I do. I haven’t been perfect on my cleanse, as much as I love it, I have eaten a few things I shouldn’t and missed taking my capsules. I don’t wake up at the ass crack of dawn to journal my heart out and meditate. I don’t have endless access to the creativity in my soul and endlessly vibrant energy.

My energy comes in spurts and often leaves me lifeless for days. I used to experience months of endless suffering with the feelings of lifelessness. The clouds never used to lift. My eyes never sparkled. I couldn’t really remember what joy felt like.

So, I honor those days that breathe life into me. I share them endlessly, record videos, post a million stories, take walks, and share my food because I’m basking in the joy of those moments. I’m sharing them so you can experience them with me and bask in those lovely vibes because I have so much appreciation for them. Although, they’re not rare anymore, not like they used to be, they’re not my everyday. For now, as much as I present myself in a way that makes me feel amazing and more like the best version of me - it’s not my everyday reality.

On days where my spark is gone, I retreat into the safety of my home and my blankets and my comfy sweaters. Just as the beautiful moments filled with life have become more of a regular occurrence than they used to be, I hold faith that they will someday be my constant, my normal. 

Until then, my hope and my desire is that I find comfort in that space. A space of understanding and appreciation for all that I am. A space of understanding and appreciation for all that I’m becoming. And a little bit of grace for all those moments I don’t live up to my own expectations. As for the person I desire to be, the person who emerges to show me just how amazing my life can be and who guides me toward my future self, who shows me my potential - I honor your presence and will continue to shine a light on your beautiful vibrance, knowing that someday I will get to embody you to the fullest extent.

To my soul: I love you immensely and desire to fill you up each day with all you need to thrive. Show me what you need to become vibrant each and every day of our beautiful lives. I am open and willing to embrace all that I am now and all that I can be in the future.

SO much love,

Emma xoxo