The Beau Goddess Changes…And That’s Ok!

I originally slated this weeks post to be about my recommendations for high-vibe and amazing women/spaces to hang out right now for inspiration and positivity. However, per the usual with intuition and soul-guidance, everything changed at midnight haha.

Instead of talking about my favorite resources right now…I feel called to talk about death. I know, not the most glamorous of topics. But, I’m not referring to anything about this virus, loved ones, or any of the above. I’m talking about our own death. The deaths we experience in life…the ones that happen throughout our lifetime. The death of a relationship, of a period in our life, or even the death of our old self. It’s really intense to experience, really shocking even, and really relevant to right now.

I was sparked with inspiration as I revisited old photos to find a photo of my relationship. Scrolling through old memories, especially since I was looking for a funny photo of us before we started dating, scrolling through my old life before everything changed.

It hit me so much harder than it used to, honestly, I’ve avoided looking at photos of my past as much as possible. I used to blame it on my ex-husband – that I didn’t want to see photos of him and I together. However, that is a lie. I didn’t want to see photos of the version of me that was with him. I didn’t feel aligned with the memes I had saved, the segments of messages I’d screen-shotted, the naked selfies in search of appreciation, the desperation, or the events I was taking part in. It was like looking at a whole different person. A person I wasn’t proud of, a person I’m even embarrassed of.

And then, it occurred to me…

MY FINAL DEATH

The final death of me. Of everything I had known. The door slamming shut. Pieces of me strewn all over the place in the process. 

Let me take you back to that time…

I was a young girl of 21, living with a family who had claimed me as their own after my own parents had all but rejected me (the official rejection came later…but let’s be real, it had already happened in their hearts). They took me in and promised to help me get back on my feet after a series of terrifying and turbulent times. I had stored all of my belongings at their home. And, long story short, they threw me out of their home one night while I was at work. I had done nothing wrong, had actually bent over backwards to be the best I could be, and the pressure of it all ate me from the inside out and in the process they turned against me like animals because of their own stress.

After just four months, they changed the locks while I was at work and threw my things outside. My clothes, my makeup, my sense of dignity, they threw it all out and wrote a note on the door that said you’re not welcome here anymore. I had no place to go, no family, no ‘home’ – no, for me there wasn’t even the possibility to go ‘home’ to rediscover myself like they show in the movies. This ‘home’ was the closest thing I had to a home.

And with that simple and shocking event, came the death of the old me.

REBIRTH IS JUST AS MESSY

Rebirth isn’t glamorous. It’s not poetic; beautiful, symbolic, obvious. It’s not fun.

It’s messy. There’s goo everywhere and you are crying and there’s a sense of complete loss of control. It’s JUST AS FUCKING MESSY AS THE DAY YOU WERE ACTUALLY BORN.

My whole life upended in so many events I can’t even begin to explain the process in a simple blog post (that’s what The WHO AM I video is for…coming soon!). But the final nail in the coffin of my life was being rejected from people I considered my parents and being left to live on the streets by people I entrusted my life with.

Maybe it was a little poetically beautiful as I look back at it. I realized, I couldn’t afford a UHaul and I wasn’t really able to get help moving of my things from this place in the middle of nowhere, so all I could do was (when I eventually had the strength to go back to this hell hole of a house in the middle of nowhere) take what I could and leave the rest behind. They threatened to throw all of my stuff in the dumpster and I didn’t have the energy to stop them or fight. My fight was gone. I had no strength left to claim what was mine. So I let them take it. I had no means to haul it all away and my mental stamina couldn’t handle repeated trips to this place that caused me severe anxiety attacks whenever I even drove in the general direction of the house. 

I HAD TO LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND

All of the items in my hope chest that I had been saving for a decade…from the time I was given the beautiful antique chest as a pre-teen. The little items I’d purchased at antique stores over the past decade, for the home I was going to build with the one I loved..someday. That ‘someday’ that will never get a change to be. That chest had survived me running from my ex husband on that bright Saturday afternoon years ago…but it didn’t survive this. I think about all the little things like that that I loved, but wouldn’t fit in my car and I had to leave it behind.

Everything I had saved for a life I had dreamed of having someday…everything that wasn’t essential to survival was lost that day. 

DEATH IS ALLOWED TO BE PAINFUL

I rack my brain trying to rewrite the stories to make them more upbuilding and positive. To tell you a story that will bring you hope. And it will bring you hope, I promise. But that part…that part is messy and nasty and anything but high-vibe. But, it’s the truth. It’s the nasty truth of something that can’t be wrapped up in a beautiful bow and presented nicely and neatly for my audience.

The death of the old me still makes me cry. Everything I had dreamed of as a little girl. Everything I had hopped for in my life. Everything I packed carefully in old newspaper in the hope chest with no idea what was in store for me. All that hope that little teenage girl had deep within her, no idea of how cruel the world can truly be.

It’s ok to cry
It’s ok to never love people that hurt you

No, really. You don’t have to love them. You don’t have to be consumed by them. You don’t have to plan to hurt them back, of course. But, you never have to love them. 

There is a difference between loving yourself enough to let them go and actually loving them.

Sometimes the pain people causes us is enough to never truly feel love for them ever again. And I firmly believe that is totally ok. You don’t have to give people a hall pass to treat you poorly and be a fountain of forgiveness.

It’s ok to feel angry. Angry at yourself and how you were. But also angry at the people who hurt you. Anger is natural and it’s normal. Anger is ok. 

It’s ok to feel upset. To feel confused. To feel rejected. To feel upended. To feel abandoned. To feel bitter.

Every emotion, every tear, every feeling – everything is ok.

Take a deep, long breath with me, baby girl. Release it slowly, and let it all go. Feel that build up release from your body. Feel the tension release. Feel the pain exhale right out of your system.

FULLY OWN THE GOO THAT IS YOU

Life isn’t always fair to us.

Life certainly wasn’t fair to me. I have always bent over backwards to do the right thing, I’ve been more open hearted and giving than anyone else I’ve ever known. It has nothing to do with how ‘good’ you are.

But, isn’t that the beauty of it all?

What happened to me after my death was a rebirth – obviously!

I know the nasty parts of humanity. I’ve seen and experienced everything possible, a husband become mentally, physically, and sexually abusive to his wife while everyone I thought cared about me sat back and never even called to see why I hadn’t shown up at church in months. I’ve experienced the ‘elders’ in the church beg me to stay with him because that’s what GOD would have wanted and verbally abuse me for choosing to do what was right for me. I’ve experienced my real parents refuse to have anything to do with me anymore because they don’t agree with my life choices; they have chosen their religion over me. I’ve been humiliated by people I trusted, I’ve been mocked by people I loved. I’ve allowed people to treat me like less than human. I’ve allowed myself to feel completely alone. I’ve shut myself off from the world and refused to let anyone in….

I’ve also watched someone break down the barriers and the walls ever so carefully and show me that the world isn’t that bad of a place after all. I’ve seen perfect friends show up at the perfect time as soon as I was ready. I’ve watched pieces fall into place at the perfect time to provide a safe space to heal. I’ve experienced friends rise up and be there for me in ways I’ve never imagined.

And, I’m ok. I grew into the most beautiful butterfly, more beautiful than anything I had any idea I could be. That goo of nastiness turned me into who I am today. That goo was my metamorphosis.

I DID NOT recognize myself for a long time. I did not know why I was lashing out at the world around me (although, truly who could blame me?). I did not understand why I picked a fight with a lady in the parking lot of Best Buy over something ridiculous. I did not understand why I was lashing out at people all of the time. I did not understand why I couldn’t trust anyone around me.

The sweet, caring Emma that lived inside of me felt ashamed of my new exterior of anger. But, it was a protection, wasn’t it? It was a shield, a way to guard myself from finding myself in the same situations I was in before. I no longer had any tolerance for anyone who dared to cross me. But, can you truly blame me? I know I certainly don’t! I look back with love and compassion or the young woman who was reactive to the world around her. Forcing the world around her to listen to what she had to say, forcing them to stay in their own lane and not attempt to push her around, fighting anyone and anything that dared to even whisper the idea that she wasn’t worth something or didn’t deserve to be treated properly.

My wounds may have bled on people who didn’t really deserve it. But, the new woman, the stronger and more resilient woman was forming. It wasn’t perfect. But, it was the rebirth of something new – a woman who could stand up for herself and refused to allow anyone to push her in any direction ever again. Boundaries were being formed. It might have been a little messy, a little embarrassing, a little extreme. Maybe. But it was necessary.

Within all of that, the Universe and my Guides picked me up from the goo I had been turned into. And they nurtured me, they showered me in loving affection, they created a safe environment for me to pick myself up and grow in. While I was learning and changing, I didn’t see it for what it really was. It felt like chaos. Like pure insanity. Like purgatory. It was out of control.

But it wasn’t. It was truly beautiful. It was a metamorphosis. It was a rebirth.

We can connect the dots from the present moment looking backward, never from the present moment looking forward. When it makes no sense and you feel like you’re floating in the emptiness of space, know that you’re not alone. It’s ok, love. It’s got to be awfully dark and scary in a cocoon as a metamorphosis is occurring for a butterfly. But that fear doesn’t change the end result.

UNCERTAINTY IS A CATALYST

Lovely, beautiful girl. If you are suffering right now. If you feel like the world is spinning out of control and you can’t find comfort or any form of normalcy within you current situation. If your life feels chaotic and unfair.

I understand.

This right here. This time in history, it will never be forgotten. You may look back at your photos from this time and cringe when you see the before pictures. You may already be noticing that you feel uncomfortable with your past and you feel a blackness surrounding you now, right in this moment. You may be feeling that terrifying movement in your life, like an earthquake shifting the plates of your life.

That, beautiful, is death. Of course, it’s scary – who knows what the rebirth will look like?!

Of course, it’s frightening – the future is more unknown now, more than ever before.

But, let it be exciting beautiful. Because the butterfly is never uglier than the caterpillar. She’s never more restricted than the caterpillar. She’s never judged in the same category as the caterpillar.

No, honey, it’s in a new space in life. It’s got a new name, a new vibe, a new hairdo, a new personality, a new outfit. Unrecognizable to those who knew her before. Rebirth is messy, just like your first birth. But it’s just as big of a deal, just as much of a blessing, and just as fantastic. Once the goo is wiped off and the dust settles and the crying stops – it’s a beautiful new baby wrapped in a cute new blanket ready for an entirely new adventure.

Get ready for your new adventure. lovely, because as wild as the ride might be – the new woman who emerges is the most amazing and inspiring woman you’ve ever met. She’s going to see the world in a whole new way. She’s going to be renewed with a whole new passion for life. And she’s ready for anything that can be thrown her way with a new sense of confidence and, let’s be real, after you’ve been turned to goo – you’re a badass, an unstoppable force. It didn’t kill you, nothing can kill you.

Get ready – beautiful. You’re going to be shocked by your own resilience and your own strength. Welcome to your new world, I can’t wait to see what you do here.