The Pause: Why Don’t I Know What I Love To Do?

Sometimes there is great beauty in the pause…

A moment in time to stop and reflect, why am I doing what I do? 

In those moments, may they be minutes or days or even months, we can regain our strength in the love of what we do. As you may or may not have noticed (does anybody read this blog anyway?), I have been on a slight hiatus. This seems to happen from time to time with my little business. The wind dries up and my sails have nothing left to give...and the boat finds itself adrift in the sea of possibility. Or lack thereof. What is it that I’m here to do? Why do I even bother? 

I was recently on a flight to LA. Watching Julie and Julia (ok, starting, I didn’t get to finish) and it occurred to me - I don’t have a great love. I relate so intensely to Marie Forleo who describes her life as feeling so un-put-together as she floated from one job to the next, finding they all eventually ate away at her soul. What do I do when I am completely stressed out? What gives me life? What makes my soul glow? 

And, sadly, I’ll admit - I just don’t know. 

There seem to be things that are perfect for a season. Then, the aching of my soul sets in, and it seems like quickly, on a dime, I’ll realize how unfulfilled I am. These days I’m entirely too in tune with my guidance system. No, seriously. It’s undeniable how little I can tolerate these days. The warning sounds are so loud, like sirens blazing in my soul they can’t be ignored lest I go deaf. 

But. The guidance? The path? The love? The glow? 

Where you at, boo?! 

What I can’t tolerate shines like a lighthouse in the night. Warning me of the wrong way to go. But the right way - a deep dark void on the opposite side of that warning light with nothing to guide me at all. A scary pit of uncertainty. And it all feels, well, empty. A vast sea of darkness with no end in sight. Just a bunch of opportunities to stumble, lose steam, become stranded, what if I never see light again? Maybe that island, that lighthouse, those rocks - maybe it’s not so bad. It can’t be worse than this. 

But, I’m not in control. Not really. I couldn’t stay on that rocky excuse of an island with a tiny gleaming light from a lighthouse. There’s a magnetic pull that forces me to face the void. Where my true beacon of hope lies. Somewhere out there in that dark void is my love, my glow, my purpose, the dots from the rough ride to get there all woven together to paint a beautiful picture. The “ah, that’s why that had to happen” moments. The sunlight dancing on the horizon finally illuminating the glory that was always waiting. Waiting on the other side of my glow. My knowing. My trust in the darkness. 

Some of us don’t even get a choice. No matter how hard we resist and fight and kick and scream. No, our purpose will force us into spaces we threw temper tantrums and held onto the legs of a table to avoid. Her voice, strong and confident, always there to light the way in the darkness. She gives the nudges of when to follow your heart, when to pause, when to walk away, and when to move forward. You’re not lazy, unworthy, scattered, or not driven because you can’t physically tolerate anything other than your soul leadings. 

Just the opposite. You’re not wasting your time on useless pursuits. Once it’s served its purpose, it’s done - onto the next. Once that road has ended, onto the next. The harder we hold onto the legs of the tables and beat our fists into the floor, the harder and more extreme the transition will be. 

I don’t have a handle on all the things in life. I don’t have a beautifully paved golden pathway to point to every single thing in my life that’s happened and how it turned out to be in honor of my success. But, what I do have is a trail of large and small moments to compare when I listened to the nudges and when I didn’t. What I realized is this: the nudges were always there leading up to a crumbling. There was always an opportunity to open myself up to the next level I was being called to step into. And when I didn’t, the Earth had to shake and the ground had to fall out beneath me to get me to listen. Now, I listen intently to each and every whisper. 

I refuse to feel lazy or give in to the talk that says I have a lack of drive. I don’t care what the external world has to say. Or that my resume has way too many jobs on it. Or that my life should look a certain way. Or my bank account should be a certain way. Or my journey should go a certain way.

I am a woman who loves to travel and has a deep desire to see the world. I am a woman who flows in and out of life situations quickly. One moment something fits, the next it doesn’t. I am a woman who easily becomes unsettled in spaces where it’s clear my soul doesn’t belong. I am a woman who can’t give her all to something she knows doesn’t fit. I am a woman who expects the extraordinary. Adventure. Excitement. Lessons. Growth. Luxuriousness. Mind-blowing success. Epic experiences. Respect. Admiration. 

There isn’t a cell in my body left that doesn’t align with what I have been put here to do. As soon as something doesn’t align with my mission anymore, it becomes a thing that needs to be replaced. And as long as I am on this journey, this fast-paced journey towards all I was meant to be, I have come to terms with the fact that this is going to happen often and unexpectedly like growth spurts for a small child. A pair of shoes that fit yesterday won’t fit anymore today. And that’s just going to have to be ok. 

Because….this is my journey to my glow. 

I have a feeling it’s much closer than I think.